Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
