Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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