I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
