how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
