Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
