Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
