separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
