I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
