My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
