I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
