Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
