So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And then he peed in my hair
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