Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize