Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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