this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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