Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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