i jhust puked up my retainher.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
