i can't believe i had my finger in that
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
