I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
