I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
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