Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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