Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
