its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dicks are not precious.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
