so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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