My sheets look like a crime scene.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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