I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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