All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
