I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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