it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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