You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
