If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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