I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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