I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
handjob tips. give me some.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's shark week go big or go home
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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