dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
