We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize