i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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