I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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