next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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