This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
