I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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