god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
