pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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