I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
