Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
