is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
