just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
