i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
