I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize