Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
