Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
