Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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