are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
