Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
