Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
