my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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