Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
