just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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