Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
