Can i not drive my cunt home
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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